A wee bit of a rant.

I was standing in line at the store not too long ago, and my eye wandered over to the impulse rack. My eyes fell on a TV Guide with the blurb ' Giada De Laurentiis: Is the sexy chef too hot for TV?"

Naturally, I had to pick it up and find out WTF.

It seems that in the 'Cheers & Jeers' section, a Deborah Deel of Christiansburg, Virginia had this to say about Giada:

"Jeers to Giada De Laurentiis and the low-cut tops she wears on the Food Network. She must be sooooooooooo proud of her breasts. Who is she trying to turn on - the cameraman? It really is kind of sad and pathetic. I’ll give her a medal if she wears a top that doesn’t show her over-exposed breasts!"

Hmmm. What's that I smell? Could it be the green monster known as jealousy??

Now, it seems that Giada either hasn't responded yet, or has chosen not to respond to Ms. Deel's commentary. I, myself, am betting that the latter is the correct answer, as Ms. DeLaurentiis appears to be too much of a lady to respond to this hag.

However, I am willing to step in for Ms. DeLaurentiis and respond to Ms. Deel's comments for her. My response begins below. May not be safe for work, or people with tender sensibilities.

Dear Ms. Deel:

On behalf of most, if not all of the American male and some female population, I most humbly request that you shut your stupid trap.

We happen to enjoy how Giada dresses. She is a beautiful lady who happens to NOT be ashamed of how she looks. I question your motive in writing your 4 sentences of condemnation.

Now, I've always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt here, but I'm willing to bet that your jealousy stems from the fact that you, on a GOOD day, could be mistaken for the south end of a northbound mandril with a 3 day case of Montezuma's Revenge. On a bad day? Well, let's just say that powerchugging a quart of elephant vomit mixed with chunks of ambergris would probably be preferable.

As for Giada's cleavage, well, one can draw several inferences as to the reasons behind your distaste. I have some theories, and I'm willing to share a few.

One could infer that the cheap shot you took was due to the fact that your cleavage, by comparison, could make Casanova think about switching teams. One could also infer that perhaps your husband or boyfriend would trade you for Giada in less time than it takes to sneeze.

And maybe, just maybe, Ms Delaurentiis takes a wee bit better care of herself than you do? Judging by her appearance, I'm willing to bet that she's never sat on her couch plowing through a box of bon-bons while bitching on the phone for 3 hours about how her sweetie pie would rather spend more time with the boys at the tavern, than sit with you and be repulsed by the slurping sounds of you polishing off a quart of Ben & Jerry's.

And what exactly is wrong with dressing to impress the opposite sex? It's a time honored tradition, one that should NOT fall by the wayside. Just because your idea of dressing formally is a muu-muu WITHOUT spaghetti stains on it does not mean that people can't hold themselves to a higher ideal. I guarantee you, when your humble PartsGuy dresses up for a special occasion, the best description to use is 'Dressed To Kill'.

Speaking for myself, I appreciate it when someone takes the time to make herself look her best. To me, it means she thinks I'm worth the time it takes. Think about that while you're flipping through the latest Cosmo and bitching about how nobody makes anything good in your size. Learn to make your own stuff and look smashing.

Ms Deel, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with dressing sexy, and the fact that there are still many apostles of the late and not lamented one fucking bit Andrea Dworkin who think that they actually MATTER to the rest of us is a shame that we will have to bear, until a brave few stand up and slay the twin dragons of Political Correctness and Beauty Envy.


So, Ms Deel, as I said before, stuff a sock in it, or in your case, a box of doughnuts.

Sincerely,

The PartsGuy.

On owning a pickup truck

Ok, so a lil bit ago, i threatened said I'd write about some of the obervations I've made since getting my truck.

I am nothing, if not a man of my word, so here we go. If you are nothing but a braindead PC moron, don't have much of a sense of humor, you might wish to visit elsewhere.

Anyways.

To me, the pickup truck is one of the greatest inventions in the world, ranking right up there with electric guitars, latex condoms, and the In-N-Out Burger.

Seeing as most automakers have seemed to have given up on RWD cars, it seems to me only natural that pickups have come into favor, especially with hormone-addled teenage males.

Let's face it, folks- when you see some lil FWD econobox attempting to light up the front wheels, it just doesn't seem right. Especially when you hear the e-box's tiny lil engine howling like a banshee. It just ain't right. Makes for enormous bouts of laughter when they blow up, though.


HOWEVER...

Let some guy in his truck start hazin' the hides, motor rumbling like a freight train and there's not a real man anywhere who isn't secretly thinking, oh, HELL yeah!!", unless he's one of those queers foo-foo metrosexuals who's more worried he might miss his appointment at the nail salon.

Yeah, the thought makes me ill, too.

Granted, VW and Chrysler did try FWD pickups, but hey, when's the last time you saw a Dodge Rampage around town? Uh huh. And I see Honda's getting into the game with their Brokeback, errr, Ridgeback. Newsflash- unibody pickups didn't work in the 60s for Ford, why Honda thinks it will now is beyond me.


Now, having played around for a bit, I've noticed a few things. For example, I've suddenly developed a taste for Marlboro Reds and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.


Just kidding.


See, some people would have no problem with that stereotype. I myself have perpetuated it slightly by yelling "hey baby" at an attractive female. My inner redneck approved.



Nowadays, you see some men of the foo-foo metrosexual persuasion driving pickups. Their pickups are usually 'champagne' in color, and have leather upholstery.



Yuck.



This week, I decided to replace the tires on my truck. Did I go ahead and get the same size tires, or did I go for bigger?



Remember this phrase: Bigger, Better, Faster, More.



They look damn good on there, too.



And having a truck guarantees you all sorts of new friends, especially when there's something to be moved, or they're buried in snow. Unless, of course, you decided to 'ghettofy' your truck and put stupid ass 26" wheels on it. Yeah, that works REAL well. (Not) Looks frickin' retarded, too.



Trucks are also good for camping, especially if you have a topper/ bed cap / whatever, mainly because there's no tent to set up. Toss a sleeping bag in the back, and you're good to go!



Cars aren't as well suited, mainly because packing the camping gear into the trunk of a Chevy Cavalier isn't a fun task by any means. (Don't ask how I know) Truck? you toss everything into the bed, head to the campground, and get your camp on! Vans work well for camping too, but that's a story for another time.

So in summary, Pickups= GOOD. Foo-Foo Metrosexuals= BAD.

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