Your inner Og.

Some time ago, I threatened to joked about writing a self help book called "Embracing Your Inner Og" .

So, after much consideration, plus my favorite porn site educational website was down, I have decided to let you all in some of the secrets of embracing YOUR inner Og.

You can thank me later. Preferably in small unmarked bills or really cool stuff.

Anyhow.

In the last 5-10 years, we as men have been forced to suffer MANY indignities. These would include:

• Sharing feelings.
• Becoming 'sensitive'.
• Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah.
• The TV show 'Home Improvement'.

None of these are world ending. Sadly, I had to add 'Home Improvement' to that list after the writers decided that the male lead apparently needed to become a completely inept asshole who was kept alive only by his sainted wife who could do no wrong. I stopped watching the show because I figured it was easier to do that than repair the damage caused by my throwing the TV out the front window of Stately PartsGuy Manor. Plus, at the time, 27" TVs were spendy.


I will grant that some things aren't so bad, for example, men do NOT need to be beating the living shit out of their spouses. Some of their kids, well, ya know, a decent asskicking does a world of good.


So.

We come to the things that every man who wants to release his inner Og should celebrate. I'm listing them in no particular order, cause they're all equally important, plus I'm too lazy to spend a lot of time on this.

1) Fire.

Us Ogs LOVE us some fire. The bigger, the better. Hell yeah. If you can't get within 5 feet of the actual fire because you fear you'll combust, well, THAT, my friends, is a FIRE. Boo-freakin'-yah.

Of course, the fact that we can throw things into said fire and watch them burn, things such as pics of old GFs, credit card statements, Hippies, copper wire (makes real cool colors) just makes it THAT MUCH BETTER.

Plus, fire allows us Ogs to do something else we like:

2) Cook meat.

For our vegetarian friends, well, I'm sorry, but NOTHING makes your inner Og more joyful than grabbing a chunk of some tasty animal, tossing it on a grill, and allowing your senses the opportunity to bathe in the sensations that only cooking meat can provide. Steaks cooking on an open fire is a VERY sensual experience.

Your eyes cannot help but be drawn to the way the flames dance and leap around the steak.

Your ears hear the sizzles and pops as the meat cooks.

Your nose takes in the glorious aroma of the steak cooking.

Your sense of touch is fulfilled when you grab the steak from the grill, and then realize that SON OF A B**** IS THAT THING F**KING HOT!!!!

And finally, your last sense is fulfilled when you cut that first hunk of gloriously flame cooked meat, and the juice caresses your tastebuds.

And any guy reading this who ISN'T suddenly craving a steak?

Well, perhaps you should ask your significant other if you might have your testicles back.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd speaking of significant others...

3) Leering at Enjoying the sight of a beautiful woman.

Truthfully, gentlemen, who among us has NOT stopped to admire an attractive lady?

And by that, I mean when your SO ISN'T around. Getting whacked in the head with a purse can be painful, or so I hear.

Sometimes, it's hard to explain the attraction. It could be that the outfit she's wearing flatters her figure most wonderfully, or it could be that she walks by, and the perfume she's wearing pleases your nose immensely. Remember those Folger's commercials from a few years back, with the lady and her suitor who finally got together over a series of commercials? If not, well, ask someone older than you.

Anyhow, for some reason, I found that lady attractive. Why? Dunno. Did the question of Why Her? stop me from drooling over her and fantasizing about hot tub suites and a 'do not disturb' sign?

Nope.

And despite what some feminists might say, personally I'm of the opinion that if you're out in publice somewhere, and some lady walks in dressed to kill, well, that shit don't happen on accident, I'm here to tell ya. That lady spent god knows how long getting ready. It would be rude to NOT appreciate the effort she spent doing so.
Also, it would be rude to not acknowledge the effort. I personally would say something along the lines of " My GOD, you look absolutely stunning! When you walked in, I damn near fell down!" That's all.

A word of warning: Pick your words as carefully as you picked your last vehicle. If you think something along the lines of " GODDAMN, woman!! I'd liketa bend you over a pool table and give you a thorough rogerin' " is good, well, when you're being escorted from wherever, with her 3" heel sticking out of your ass, you might decide to rework your approach while the ER doc takes pics of you flopped on your gut with Payless Shoe's finest buried in your hinder.

And, in case you were wondering, I have NEVER run into a woman yet who's been insulted by being called gorgeous. EVER.

And guys, I'm here to tell you, you should NOT be ashamed of indulging yourself in a little observation. My only suggestion to you is, better get her eye color first, because that's the first thing any woman who catches you will ask. Trust me on this. If you don't, then you risk her blowing up on you.

Speaking of which...

4)Explosions.

What man among us has NOT watched a tv show about blowing up abandoned buildings and been completely enthralled?

Not any worth knowing, that's for sure.

I think that blowing stuff up is no end of fun, when done for the right reasons, such as it's Friday.

You can't tell me when some scientist is perfoming a test in some lab somewhere that his inner Og isn't dancing with glee, because he might get to see something go BOOM! Us Ogs love us some destruction. Preferably VERY LOUD destruction. Every once in a while, ya just gotta blow some shit up. It fulfills the soul.

What I think would be cool, is a 2 hour special called "Blowing S**t UP!".

Put that bad boy on cable, so's you could have women wearing next to nothing throwing the switches that cause 40 lbs of C4 to take out the supporting beams of some old building. When I think of this, 2 words come to mind: GLOBAL BLOCKBUSTER.

Every guy I know would be parked in front of his tv, cheering like a madman. I'd even turn MY TV on for that.


There's probably more to embracing your Inner Og, but this should be good enough to give you a start.


I know I haven't been blogging much. Mainly, I haven't been inspired to. My little green notebook has more ideas in it, I just need to flesh them out a wee bit.

As always, may the bluebird of happiness crap on your car.