Dear Mr. Partsguy...

Here at Stately Partsguy Manor(tm), I occasionally receive emails soliciting advice.

Apparently, these people have been conned into thinking I'm some sort of genius(more or less true, but modesty prohibits me from bragging.)

So, being a kind and generous type(plus, the drugs kicked in), I figured I would answer their questions and give them the peace they seek. Generosity flows through me like a river, or something.

Ok, here's our first question, from Ms. T.B.S., out of Passaic, NJ:

Dear Mr. Partsguy,

For some reason, people seem to think that because I'm from Jersey, I must be involved with the Mob in some way. How can I convince these people that it's just not so, even though I DO have an uncle whose middle name is 'The', as in Tommy The Smasher??

Dear Ms. T.B.S.;

I honestly don't know how to answer your question. I will say, however, that I find women of Italian descent to be very sexy indeed. Send a nice picture to my email address, preferably one of you in your sexiest undergarments, and my crack research staff and I will determine ways to correct your problem. (BTW, let's keep Uncle Tommy out of the loop on this, eh? I like my kneecaps.)

Here's one from Mr. LonelyHeart, from Intercourse, PA;

Dear Mr. Partsguy, fount of knowledge;
(oh, PLEASE.- partsguy research staff)

How might I, a mere thousandth of the man you are, attract the quality babes? I'm horribly lonely, and would like a nice lady to keep me company. Thank you in advance.


Dear Mr. LonelyHeart;

I feel your pain. However, giving you all the advice you need to meet quality babes would be wrong. I WILL give you a few guidelines, as Mr Partsguy is feeling rather generous towards the human race, for a change. Remember, these are general guidelines. Your mileage may vary. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Do not remove under penalty of law. Not valid in AK, HI, and some sections of New York City. (up yours, Manhattan!!)

1) You must learn to be alone, and enjoy it immensely. Remember, much as predators can sense fear, women can sense desperately lonely men. Personally, I blame Oprah.

2) You must divest yourself of that mullet, Sparky. The 80s are GONE. As much as I'd like to, I can't blame Oprah for the mullet. Therefore, I'll blame a nation caught in the throes of rampant stupidity. Also, I blame Rosie O'Donnell.

3) Don't underestimate the power of friendly dogs and small children. Borrow a neighbor's and head for the park. If you can bribe the kid to call you 'Uncle LonelyHeart' and brag about how awesome you are, so much the better. I suggest ice cream. Dogs are also easily bribed. Two or three cheeseburgers, WHAM! You're in. Getting the dog to brag on you will not be as easily achieved, though. I would suggest breeds that are generally regarded as friendly and easygoing, however. Babes will not appreciate your efforts on their behalf if Fluffy is 130 lbs of pissed off Rottweiler, and has just chased them up a tree. They're weird like that. Again, I blame Oprah. And Rosie.

Take this advice, and add your own experience to it, and you shall find what you seek. Remember, some women are better imagined standing in front of you, removing that sweater that hugs EVERY curve ever so wonderfully, her gorgeous brown eyes watching you devour her with your eyes, then slowly, EVER so slowly, sliding those tight blue jeans over her deliciously rounded ass that puts J Lo's to shame, and then....

Oops, sorry. Got a wee bit worked up. Happens. Move on, folks, nothing to see here.

I've got space to answer one more question, this one from Izzy Cheatin, from lovely Dover, DE.

Dear Mr. Partsguy;

I'm worried that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. What can I do??

Dear Izzy;

I would suggest a competent private investigator. Any decent one will be able to find out for you very quickly, and with a minimum of fuss. Chances are, he's NOT, and is just working a lil extra OT to get you that lovely dress you've had your eye on for some time.

Of course, if he IS cheating on you, then he's a rat bastard. Personally, I blame Oprah. And Rosie. Of course, without some basic information, My research staff and I can't begin to help you. We suggest you email us a pic of you in your sexiest undergarments, this will help us to better understand. Honest. We'll respect you in the morning. We wouldn't lie to you. (unless we knew for SURE we wouldn't get caught.)


And with that, I bid you a good night, and a pleasant tomorrow.